How Did The B4a Programme Work For Me?

What was 'my B4a'?

You have now read about my B4a Programme, utilising my 8 Pillars of Sobriety. So, how did I make it work for me?

Firstly, I had to recognise, accept and then embrace something that I honestly had never known or realised before - that I have an abnormal psychology. Not a psychiatric illness, but an abnormal psychology - one which I was to discover is a common variant of 'normal'; and especially common amongst alcoholics and sufferers from other addictions and conditions.

Further, I was to learn that this abnormal psychology was the direct result of physical / biochemical abnormalities in my brain. This amazing revelation allowed me to believe that, being a tangible, demonstrable, physical problem, there should be a solution to it. And Baclofen might be that solution - or at least an important part of it.

In recognising this, I have been able to find ways of dealing with that abnormal psychology, and it has been the most liberating experience. I have been able to set myself free.

For me, and thousands of others in the UK, alcohol was / is merely a crutch. A crutch that eventually starts to rot and crumble away from you, leaving you collapsed and helpless.

In accepting this and dealing with it, I have to tell you that, in all of my adult life, I have never felt so good, so comfortable about being me, and so healthy. And that is the absolute truth. For thirty years I have been slowly losing a battle with myself that eventually caused me to descend into fully fledged alcoholism. Now, I have been set free. My chronic long-term state of anxiety and self-doubt has gone. I have absolutely no cravings (or even thoughts) for alcohol whatsoever. And I am alcohol-indifferent, no matter what the stresses I encounter. And, through Baclofen, that process is now easy. My relationship with alcohol is, for the first time ever, normal. I can take it or leave it. I choose mostly to leave it because I just don't want it. Simple as that.

How and why was my Programme so successful in helping me that I now consider myself to be functionally cured?

Firstly, I started to keep my own Baclofen Diary, a daily record that documented many elements; amounting both to both an historical record and a plan of action. Elements such as:

• My alcohol intake;
• My inner feelings;
• Any symptoms I was experiencing;
• A quantitative measure of my cravings;
• My dose and pattern of taking Baclofen;
• Any other medications I required for any other symptoms or side effects;
• My aims for the day, week, month ahead;
• Things to remember to do to show my own 'designated supporters' that I appreciated them and all that they were doing for me.

I kept my Baclofen Diary religiously, and it was an invaluable aid in my recovery and in writing Baclofen & Me.

Then, taking each of the 8 Pillars in turn:

Support

It would be quite wrong if I were not acknowledge that I owe my health and probably my life to the unerring love and support that I have received from my wife and mother. As I describe in Baclofen & Me,'if they had not got me through this, then within two years I would have been either very very ill or very very dead'.

Indeed.

Their support came via two very different routes. My wife had lived with the effects of my alcoholism for some time, and was both angry for herself (and the kids) and frightened for me in; probably in about equal measure. Alcoholism is not only a disease that affects the sufferer. It is also a disease of those close to the alcoholic. A disease that I have named Para-Alcoholism Syndrome (PAS), and it is a disease that requires every bit as much attention and treatment as the alcoholism itself, if the close family and friends of the alcoholic are also going to get through this as unscathed as possible. I discuss my thoughts on how best to do this in Baclofen & Me.

Through her extensive researches, my wife came across Dr Olivier Ameisen and his book The End of My Addiction. Having read it herself, and with a great sense of dread as to what my reaction would be, she gingerly asked me to read it.

'He's just like you. Please read this book. I think it will help.'

Prophetic words. I read the book that very night. In fact, I read the whole book in one night. I simply couldn't believe what I was reading, and was unable to put it down. And then I read the entire thing again the next night. And the next, and the next; for a week. In fact, I still dip into it on a weekly basis. I was astonished. Dr Ameisen's life had been almost exactly the same as mine. Reading it was like staring into a mirror. And it wasn't a comfortable experience. Not at first, anyway. The image of myself that I saw was harrowing, sad, disappointing. At several stages, I even had tears in my eyes; tears for all the losses and wasted opportunities I had suffered, and for all the trauma and mayhem I had left in my wake.

But, as with Dr Ameisen himself, it was most definitely not a totally melancholic, desolate or despondent experience. You might be surprised to hear that it also made me feel a renewed optimism, vigour and enthusiasm for life that I had long since lost. Why?

And, with that, I was hooked. Baclofen was for me.

Over the last two years, which have not always been easy for many reasons, my wife has continued with this high level of dedicated support and encouragement, and I thank and love her for it.

My mother was different. She had not lived with my alcoholism in quite the same full-on way, but she knew that I drank too much, and that my drinking was not 'normal' in any way. The amounts, the timing, the lone drinking, the way I acted, all convinced her that something was not right.

What changed everything for her was the following.  Having thoroughly absorbed Dr Ameisen's book, my brain changed almost overnight. I could see a way out of the black morass that my life had become. I spent many weeks working it all out, and trying to develop a strategy to make myself well again. I ordered my Baclofen. Those fledgling thought processes eventually blossomed into the rudiments of my B4a Programme that I then developed initially for myself, and have now used successfully for so many others who find themselves in the same boat as I was.

This gave me the confidence to finally 'come clean' about what I had become. To this end, I wrote her a long letter telling her that I was an alcoholic; that I had come to terms with this; and that I had determined to face it head on and beat it. I asked her for her help and support. Clearly, this was a heartbreaking thing for her to read but, like the complete star she is, she threw herself into helping me all that she could. And she has been brilliant.

Now, there are two fundamentally important points that I need you to take on-board for yourselves:

The first is that, my 'coming clean' had the most positive effect on both me and those that I had told. To say that it liberated us to talk openly and freely would be a gross understatement. If I felt I absolutely needed a drink then I would do it in front of them. No more secret clandestine drinking. This was very helpful, and reduced my drinking much quicker than it would otherwise have done. Further, this new era of openness allowed them to relate to me all the ways that my drinking had concerned and upset (if not frightened) them over a long period. The things they told me shocked and embarrassed me considerably. This reinforced my determination to end this sorry state of affairs.

Secondly, their support was, after much discussion between us, not remotely sympathetic as such. It was always kind and heartfelt. But it was neither gentle nor comfortable. If I lapsed or acted in an inappropriate way, they would haul me over the coals for it. Their tolerance of my underhand drinking ended overnight. This so-called 'tough love' is very important for people such as you and me. They were prepared to go to the ends of the earth to help me, but only so long as I put an equal amount of effort into not letting myself or them down. This agreement (almost a binding contract) between us was profoundly important to my speedy recovery. I knew that if I failed them (and me) then I would most definitely be well and truly on my own. Our contract would be broken for good.

Passtimes

Everybody has some interests or hobbies. For me, they were (now are again) cooking, music, reading and writing. Stopping drinking gave me much more time on my hands. Masses of new time that suddenly miraculously appeared because firstly I was now actually awake for longer periods of the day; and secondly because, when I was awake, I could actually do things productively.

Consequently, I threw myself into these passtimes with renewed vigour. My kitchen is now like a scientific laboratory - masses of kit and hundreds (yes, I mean hundreds) of different ingredients. I used to be called a watered-down version of the mad chef / scientist Heston Blumenthal; and I am again now. I've even submitted prototypes of new kitchen equipment to retailers for production!

I rekindled my passion for playing the electric guitar (at one time, I had 11 of them - before alcohol-induced penury set in and many had to be sold). I must report that, in spite of hours of practice, I'm still absolutely dreadful. I've even started to try to write songs (I've never done that before!) and am just beginning to teach myself how to play piano.

For the first time in a long while, my memory and fact-retention (once excellent) has returned to its former state. I am now reading anything and everything I can lay my hands on, and concentrating on improving my knowledge of many subjects that I have never studied before; such as the history of art; overall 'general knowledge'; the history of Britain; and 20th Century World politics.

For me, the daily newspapers are now something to be thoroughly digested and contemplated, rather than a screen to hind behind whilst my morning vodka took hold.

I have also thrown myself into renewing my writing aspirations. Books and articles that I had written (either in whole or in part) have now been revisited and worked on. New ones are in the pipeline. I have also undertaken a course on proof reading and copyediting, and now undertake such work on a freelance basis.

After years gathering dust, I have now repatriated my golf clubs. At this stage I am only going to our local driving range - I can't afford to loose hundreds of golf balls or risk the lives of others! But, nonetheless, it is good exercise and has certainly loosened my joints up again.

This new found confidence and enthusiasm for life has also encouraged me to do something that I have always dreamed of, but would never have had the nerve to do it before. I have started doing a bit of stand-up comedy using my own material. Only in pubs and comedy clubs during their 'open-mike' spots, but it has been a great experience. Nerve racking, yes, but it certainly gets the old juices flowing!! Good for the heart, I tell myself.

Lastly, I set up the baclofen4alcoholism.com web site. This did much to help me come to terms with my own alcoholism. I was suddenly part of a huge worldwide community of people who were in exactly the same position as me; many much worse off, to be honest. And I was helping them! With the demise of my surgical career, this helped my confidence and self-esteem very considerably indeed. And it took up quite a lot of time too. This web site soon took off beyond my wildest expectations, and I soon became inundated with people just like myself suffering in exactly the same ways. W all helped each other, and the site became a 'sponge' for the experience of others with Baclofen - dosages, titration regimes, suppliers, good and  bad experiences, and side-effects.

Through it, my site soon became known around the world as 'B4a' and me as 'Dr Phill'.

At a time when I had precious little else to occupy me, all of these passtimes got my brain ticking over again and filled my days.

Activity

Now, I have to fully concede that I'm not the most enthusiastic takers of exercise. However, I do love to swim, which I have tried to do 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes I lapse for a week or two, but nobody's perfect! I joined our local municipal gym and pool, and so can go for just half an hour if I wish. Any longer than that tends to put me off going again for a while. The gym gets less of my attention, but once (maybe twice) a week I go in and ride the cycle or use the rowing machine for half an hour or so.

I also love walking. I'm not keen on hiking (too boring) or fell walking (too difficult), but I do make a point of walking either by myself or with the dog for at least an hour a day. It's often more than that. Even then, I always carry a digital voice recorder with me in case I have ideas for books or web sites or whatever; which I almost always do.

Nutrition

With my long experience of helping obesity sufferers, this was an aspect of my recovery to which I paid a considerable amount of attention. Throughout this site, my writings, and the Programme I place considerable emphasis on this topic. It cannot be overstated that, by seeking sobriety and health, you are asking your body to heal a great deal of damage before this process can really take hold and you get well. If your body, especially your liver, is not in good shape, then your whole recovery is slowed down or even stopped, and you are much less likely to persevere. Put simply, if you feel rotten, you are much more likely to go back to drinking.

However, this dietary component to your personal B4a Programme requires considerable supervision. It is not a sledgehammer approach that you are smacked with at the start of your programme. It is a gradual process taken in three distinct and equally important stages. From the outset, I started a moderate calorie diet, high in protein (the building blocks of your bodily recovery) and 'good fats'. I ate relatively few carbohydrates. They made me feel even more sluggish. I took my own special mix of vitamin and other supplements to give my liver and body the very best materials to work with. And to help with any cravings that I might still experience.

Gradually, I increased the calories and modified the constituents; increasing the 'slow carbohydrate' content. As I increased my activity levels, I added more calories. It was a staged approach, and has worked extremely well with many others who have tried it under my supervision. But we are all different. We like different foods; eat for different reasons; eat at different times; eat alone or with family / friends; have different work and / or social commitments where we are obliged to eat; have different enthusiams / interests in food and its preparation; and have different budgets etc.

At each stage of your Nutrition Pillar, your own regime must be structured around all of these factors or else you will not stick to it; and failure of your nutrition will almost certainly bring failure in your quest to beat your alcoholism. It really IS that important. Again, this highlights the importance of the Individuality Pillar built into the B₄a Programme.

This topic is so important that I am currently working on a book dedicated to it, entitled Eat Yourself to Sobriety.

Individuality

The whole of this 'My B4a Programme' page gives you a very good idea of how my Programme is designed to personalise your recovery, hopefully eventually to a cure. And this individuality most definitely works.

Abstinence

When I first started Baclofen, I vowed that I wanted to become totally alcohol-free. To be honest, I didn't really understand whether that was possible or, indeed, appropriate to me. It was just my aim because it seemed to be everybody else's aim, and how they judged their success. On alcohol forums and chatrooms all over the world, people can tell you how many days they have been alcohol-free.

I can't !!

I can't tell you because I simply don't care. It isn't remotely important to me anymore. Alcohol has gone from my life. I don't need to torment myself with thoughts of alcohol, and patting myself on the back for being able to get through another day without resorting to drink. It is this fight against drinking and enforcing abstinence that makes people like you and me go back to drinking. Even George Best had periods of upto 2 years when he was abstinent, but he always went back to the bottle. Why? Simply because nothing had been done to remedy the reasons why he drank, and his cravings never went away. He just managed to beat them down for a time. But eventually they usually overwhelm you, and any stress or incident tips you back into oblivion. For the vast majority, Baclofen stops this process. And, as we have seen, there is very good developing medicine and science to warrant this claim.

All I can tell you, about me, is that I cannot remember when I last had, or even wanted, a drink. Actually, that's not quite true. In the last 3 months, I have had 2 pints of lager. On especially hot days, and after a long walk, I was desperate for something long and cold. And there's only so much lime and soda any man can drink! I really fancied an ice cold lager. Just like any normal person would. On each occasion, I drank the beer slowly, thoroughly enjoyed it, and didn't want another.

And that's more than good enough for me.

From time to time, I do have a glass of wine or a beer. But, for me, alcohol doesn't really mix well with my Baclofen. I just don't feel all that great afterwards. So, I just stopped having it very often at all. And I don't miss it in any way. I can happily sit with others whilst they drink without peering longily at them like a desperate begging dog!

Like many of us, I actually like pubs. The camaraderie, conversation, Sky Sports - the craic - all have their attractions. Just getting out of the house for a bit of peace and quiet is enough! And I haven't stopped going into my locals. Not a bit of it. Even if I go in alone (without any spying eyes) I am never tempted to have a sneaky surreptitious drink. Not ever. I order my cappucino or lime n' soda and chat away with anyone there. Nobody has ever questioned why I am not drinking my customary large malts by the bucket full. When I stopped drinking, my local landlord actually noticed that his whisky order had gone down quite considerably!! He even blames me for him having to cancel his Caribbean holiday this year. Ha!!

Rest & Recuperation

Throughout my teenage years and sober adult life, I have never needed much sleep. I'm not hyperactive, it's just that my brain never stops. I've even 'dreamed' whole book plots whilst I am asleep. I keep my voice recorder by the bed, and am always waking up and immediately spewing my latest thoughts into it. What joy for my wife!

During the last year or so of my decline, I started sleeping all day and night. Some days, I just didn't get up at all. 'Sleep' is not really the best word for it, because it wasn't particularly restful or benefitting. During the night I often tossed and turned - and sweated like a pig. During the day, I would lie on the top of the bed, foetus-like, and fully clothed. Month after sorry month, totally wasted and lost.

Within weeks of starting the B4a Programme, my sleep pattern had improved dramatically. I still need very little 'quality sleep', but I make sure that I get it. I sleep like a baby, rarely dream, and wake refreshed. I make a point of getting to bed at a sensible time, and set my alarm early so that I can get up, walk the dog, and get to work. It's like being the old me, but only much much better.

I also make a concerted effort to take time during the day to rest. A half hour or so watching some cookery programme, an old black-and-white movie or other on the television, reading the paper or a book, or just closing my eyes and drifting off. This is very important. As you recover from the ravages of years of alcohol abuse, your body needs all its strength and resources to make that recovery happen. Periods of dedicated rest and not getting tired are integral to that process.

Drug Therapy

This has been the key for me. After much experimentation (and some disasters), my maintenance dose of Baclofen is 90mg a day. This is on the low side of average for people like you and me. I take it as follows: 20mg three times during the day (morning, early afternnon and early evening) and 30mg at bedtime. And that has remained stable for many months and works beautifully for me. However, we are all different, and each of us has to find our own dose and timings. That is what the B4a Programme is all about.

My maximum controlling dose of Baclofen was 140mg per day.

I now take my Baclofen sublingually (under the tongue). Actually, what I do is pulp the tablets between my front teeth and let the powder dissolve. It takes seconds, is not unpleasant, and I find that the effects are more consistent. But, again, we are all different, and most people just swallow them whole.

In Conclusion

Through my Programme, my new way of life, and Baclofen, I now embrace every single day, and make the most of it.

I have 'seen' my own premature death hurtling towards me at break-neck speed, and I didn't like it. In fact, it scared me witless.

No longer do I waste day after day, week after week, month after month, indeed year after year in an alcohol-induced fug. Functionally, I was in an alcoholic coma; almost amounting to a drug-induced narcolepsy.

That no longer happens.

My life is my own again.

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